your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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