Define "chronic" masturbator.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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