Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
