a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
