He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
