I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
