The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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