i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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