I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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