Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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