Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
