i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.