I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
