I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Randomize
