i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
