My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
