i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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