im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
