She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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