I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can I color on your dick again?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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