You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
