My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
