went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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