i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
