just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
