my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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