Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
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Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
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It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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