You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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