I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
