i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
