He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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