The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
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Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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