If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
