I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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