there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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