can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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