Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
