help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Life is so much better after having sex.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My ass is underappreciated
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
