gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
These tits shall not be calmed
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
