: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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