he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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