I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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