On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
