We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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