Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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