dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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