Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
