yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
