I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
