doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
