do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
