i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
