Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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