he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
