I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
