youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
